If you have a fear of
genitals then Germany isn't the place for you. They pop out of nowhere when you
are least suspecting it. Here, there, everywhere. You can be bending down to
pick up a pen you dropped, turn around and then suddenly meat and two veg are
practically grazing your right cheek (the cheek belonging to your face, that
is). You really could do a twisted naked version of Sixth Sense quite easily in
Germany's nudist-filled environs.
Seriously though, Germany
is definitely the land of the 'free' in the clothes wearing sense. Whenever and
wherever there is an opportunity to strip off and strut their naked stuff, the
Germans will take it. When I first arrived in Munich I was an innocent, fairly
prude British soul. Naked? In public? Me? I was afraid of even my doctor seeing
anything from the neck down, let alone Joe down the road in a public place. The
main place where you can't avoid naked bodies is the sauna. Yes, the sauna. I
know British people will be reading this thinking "huh?” Here's the huge
difference between Germany and England though (which pretty much acts as an
indicator to their attitude to nakedness in general), in English saunas and
spas there are huge signs that read: "Swimwear must be worn in the sauna
and spa area at ALL times". Here's the German: "Swimwear must NEVER
be worn in the sauna at ANY time. Those who do will be politely asked to
leave". Leave?! LEAVE?! Yes...I was as shocked as you were in the
beginning. It only gets worse though. Once I was at a large water park / spa and
then there was an announcement over the tannoy: "Please be advised that it
is now 6pm and the whole of the area is now "Textilfrei" Those who do
not wish to participate must now leave". Textile-free? I didn't have much
time to process the information before all of the German's were stripping off
and swimming in the pool around me – the stuff of nightmares. Never until that
point have I been more concerned about accidentally kicking someone with my
foot whilst swimming...who knows what my toes may touch...?!
Over time I gradually
started to adopt the German approach and go starkers in the sauna (I know, too
much information, right?). Still, at least you have a towel to wrap around you.
It's all about the technique too though...the technique I like to think of as ASS:
Avoidance. Shielding. Sweating. Here's how it works:
1. Avoidance. I try to make
sure I am in the sauna on my own if possible, carefully timing it so that I
always start my session when someone has just left (this also avoids the awkwardness
of being in sync with another sauna-goer...which essentially means that you sit
naked together, shower next to each other, sleep next to each other, and then
do the whole thing all over again two more times *squirm*). If this isn't
possible, I at least try to be first in the sauna, lie down, in the darkest
corner and close my eyes – that way, I will never know who was in there with me
and will never have the difficult moment of seeing them in clothes and not
really knowing quite what to say.
2. Shielding. You definitely
have to have technique as a woman. Guys have it easy – they just whack the
towel around their wil.... well...you know. Women have so much extra to shield!
It's taken me several times over the years to perfect, but now I've got it down
to a fine art so that any potential perverts don't really get much of a show.
3. Sweating. The more you
sweat and the hotter you look – the less likely you are to be the centre of
male attention. So work those sweat beads ladies!
All this though, is
unfortunately not enough to deter the Germans. They LOVE to talk whilst in the
sauna, even to complete embarrassed strangers like me. One opening line was:
"you seem sporty, were you in the gym with me earlier?" (a bit
stalker-ish...), another was from an old, fat, Bavarian man: "Was that you
swimming earlier? You are really fast!" (My thoughts: yes...I am
fast...because I'm not seventy...in fact I'm young enough to be your
granddaughter and you are talking at me and my fully exposed boobs right now -
STOP IT!).
As well as the saunas
though, there are also whole naked Sauna Worlds! Yes...worlds! There are over
40 saunas of different kinds...including ones with planetariums inside or
thrones and beer on tap...it really is a whole new world of naked fun. The
thing I can't get over though is swimming naked in a pool with other people
(yes I did it...got to try everything once right?). It's like taking a bath
with everyone who you are on the U Bahn with – what a disgusting and
shudder-worthy thought.
Unfortunately the nakedness
isn't confined to the spas though. Oh no. In Germany "Where's Willy?"
rather than "Where's Wally?" is probably their favourite book. You
could definitely make a good game out of it in Munich's English Gardens in the
summer. Nakedness reigns in certain sections, so you need to be careful where
you lay down your mat to sunbathe! The riverbanks are swarming with the nudists
too (although that term probably doesn't apply in Germany, as everyone is a
little bit of a nudist inside). There is one character that I call
"Jesus", who has long hair...a long beard...wears white kaftans and
strips off to bathe in the crystal clear running waters of the Isar (no doubt
he's a crazy Catholic thinking he can cleanse his sins!)
Personally I just think the
Germans are all extreme exhibitionists. The female changing rooms at the gym in
Germany are a good example of that. I'm very British when it comes to the
changing rooms: I choose a locker in the corner and get changed facing it, as
quickly as possible. The Deutsch women? No way, this is the chance for them to
strut their sexy stuff! They stroll around, even putting their socks on before
their kickers – weird. What makes me laugh the most though is when they actually
do their moisturising regime for all to see. Slapping on the cream extra loudly
to make heads turn, then putting one leg up dramatically on the bench while
they rub it in. (I'm sure for any men reading this...this is nearly their
"Fifty Shades of Grey" erotic novel moment and I'm just reinforcing
the stereotype in their minds that all women do when they are alone together is
run around semi naked. Maybe it’s not a stereotype after all and the men are
totally on-point...) It all boils down to competition though, like everything
with the Germans. They just want to show off the body they spent 2 hours
perfecting that evening, that's all. I can't help thinking: "Whatever
love, you slap on that cream onto your toned abs, I really don't care and
there's no guys to faun all over you in the female locker room so I don't get
your game plan – I'm going home to eat cake and watch trash TV...and I'm going
to enjoy every second of it!"
Strange things have started
happening to me though. I'm always adding a sauna session onto my gym stint. I
look at friends in shock when they say they wear swimwear into the sauna in
England: "It ruins your swimwear! Don't you get hot? It’s so
unhygienic!". In fact...am I starting to become accustomed to stripping
off without a care in the world? Am I *gulp*, becoming a naked-loving German?
I think I'm a few naked steps away from nudist –
but that's not to say that being naked in a small sauna doesn't have its
benefits, particularly when the German football team walks in like they did
into mine. And I'll leave you with that little nugget to ponder on.
Another priceless blog - keep them coming!!
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