I know what you are
thinking: "what can she possibly have to say about toasters and showers?
Mere electrical appliances surely aren't worthy of any kind of attention, they
are the same the world over!" Halt. Let me just stop you right there. They
most definitely aren't the same the world over. Oh no. Toaster and shower
situations (not both at the same time) have induced great trauma to me at times
(not of the electrical shock kind…that's reserved for German electrical
fences…but that's a whole other story).
Let's start with the
shower sadness. Yes, sadness. Mixed with confusion. As a British lass I am used
to a shower (when placed over a bath) to be attached to the back wall – i.e.
facing the length of the bath. To me this makes absolute perfect sense for many
reasons:
1. The water doesn't go
everywhere
2. I have room to
stretch my arm out as I sing into my loofah microphone
3. The water doesn't go
everywhere
4. I have plenty of
room to dance around whilst listening to NRJ on my shower radio
5. The water DEFINITELY
doesn't go everywhere
6. The shower/bath
screen doesn't get soaking wet – which means a lot less cleaning effort
7. If someone
accidentally bursts in to my apartment for emergency water repairs whilst I am
in said shower, they won't get a full frontal view at first sight.
8. Oh, and of course,
the water DOES NOT go everywhere and my bathroom isn't turned into a lake that
could rival the Olympic diving pool.
The Germans are usually
such logical creatures, but when it comes to attaching bathroom apparatus they
fail miserably. Maybe all the bathroom fitters are on cannabis? *Takes a puff* "Hee hee hee! Hans, here's a great plan, let's put the shower on the wrong wall and let the whole place get wet every time they shower! Hee hee hee! I'm so funny and clever and great at practical jokes! Hee hee hee! Hey Hans, is that a water fairy over there?" *takes another puff*. That's the only
way I can explain why they decide to attach the shower on the long sidewall -
facing the bath screen. Why oh why oh why? It makes absolutely no sense.
At an open apartment
viewing (a whole other experience to go into) I was walking around a beautiful
new build place with all the mod cons, then I stepped into the bathroom and saw
the shower and my heart sank. Not even modern builds are adopting modern
bathroom sense? I heard a slight sigh next to me and turned round. It was a guy
looking as disappointed as I felt. 'English?", I said. "How did you
know?", he said. "Your look of utter disappointment at the bathroom shower".
At which point he too, launched into a huge rant about it. It really does
disturb us British – it makes us feel like the whole German world has gone mad
with this decision. Whatever next?
Well…it get's worse.
The appliance hell doesn't end there. Toasters. In England toasters are a beloved,
if not sacred, object. Tea and toast. Tea and crumpets (if you don't know what
these are, you are missing out). Tea and pancakes. Tea and toasted teacakes.
Ok, I know it's a lot of tea drinking, but you get my point. The toaster is
part of our daily tea drinking and toast loving British lives. To the
Germans, toasters are entirely disposable.
So far, in all the
houses and apartments I have been in Germany, there has barely ever been a
toaster in sight. If there has been, it has been covered, dusty, under a pile
of newspapers and empty bakery bags (no joke). It's traumatic. The Germans just
don't do toast. They don't understand the concept. They are all about the
Vollkorn bread and the Breze, but toast? Oh no, thank you. To the British,
toast and bread are almost like two entirely separate entities. German's
definitely don't differentiate the two. I once asked for toast and a German
said "What? You mean toast bread?". Erm what? Toast bread? I mean,
yes I understand what they are getting at, toast is essentially toasted bread.
But still, the name repulsed every British bone in my body. I wanted to scream
: " No! I want bloody TOAST! Not TOAST BREAD! And if you are going to
insist on referring to its toasted state, then say TOASTED BREAD!".
*breathe*. The thing is though, it's not just that, they class "Toast
bread" as a totally separate sort of bread. Bread as we British know it,
the sandwich style with crusts on by good ol' Hovis or Warburtons, just doesn't
exist here. When you do find it, it's called "American sandwich
bread". I'm not sure which term enrages me more, "toast bread"
or "American sandwich bread". I feel like setting up my own brand of
"toast bread" and calling it "bread loaf", just to prove a
point. There's an idea. There's also confusion over what constitutes a toaster.
Germans seem to think that you can make breakfast toast with a sandwich
toaster. This is sacrilege. Of course you can't. A sandwich toaster is there to be used for cheese
and ham toasties ONLY. It's a delicate art to understand, obviously.
The holy grail of
appliance differences has also been discovered though. It's not all doom and
gloom…oh no. Everyone, kneel down and praise the glory of: the mixer tap. Every
apartment, no matter how big or small, old or new, has mixer taps as standard.
Long gone are the days of standing in a British bathroom desperately trying to
reach optimum temperature by splashing some of the ice cold freezing water from
one tap into you cupped hands and then adding a smidge of boiling hot water
from the other one – and then spashing it onto your face and realising that
despite your efforts you added too much cold water and just froze your face
off. No, no, the German's are having none of that palaver. Good ol' mixing taps
– a true wonder of the modern world. I bet the Germans feel like they have
gone back into the dark ages when they cross the channel and are faced by two
taps at the sink. No doubt the German husband calls to his wife: "Steffi,
vvvvhy are there two taps? Vot do I do vith the second one?" No doubt the
mysterious tap system perplexes them for the duration of their visit.
The question is though, are the mixer taps
worth the trade off for toasters and well-positioned shower heads? Never. Long
live toasters, crumpets and the Queen.
